Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Blonde Ambition

It’s a funny thing, being home again. For years, I’ve come home and noticed…sameness. Sure, things had changed. Things were different. Regardless, I’d noticed a lot of the same people…as if the large majority of the little corner of the world that is The Woodlands hadn’t changed at all.

This time, somehow, I noticed the change.

Last night, I hung with some of my old crew…a girl/woman I’d known way back when…and a new girl/woman entirely. It’s always weird, seeing Christopher again. He’s, I suppose my first “true love”—whatever that means—and it hurts just a little bit more than it should…just a little bit more than I’d like to admit. I worry that he hasn’t found a girl…that he hasn’t reclaimed his “old body.” Then, I look at myself naked in a mirror…and I silence my mean little thoughts there.

Most of being “home” again has meant silence and rest and reading. Seriously, in three days, I’ve read three and a half books, written over a thousand odd words in various stories, and just basically done a lot of nothing. I’m not opposed to any of this. Really, if anything, I’m super happy to have all of it. Honestly, I’m shocked that I went out and hung out in public. Part of my being home is my own “hiding away” my own…crime and punishment, shall we say?

It always surprises me…how people see me…how they saw me “way back when,” and even now. I’m sure misconceptions are all a part of college/high school. It just never makes sense…how they viewed me. It was mentioned tonight, “I’ll never again believe anything again I hear about you’re ‘reputation’.” Honestly I kinda wondered what the hell he’d heard in the first place. I mean, I know that there were a lot of “false” rumors about me long before I left here. I mean…the amount of people who slept with me before I graduated was largely exaggerated in line with my name and my friendship with men/boys.

Of course, all of these changes pale in comparison in my own. Which is why, I suppose, I’m paler myself, now…or Blonde, at least. Right, me…brunette for life—thank you very much—excepting, of course, for right now. As I said to Tony tonight, “I’m not as found of it, because, really, the “chase” is so much harder when you’re a brunette. Blonde’s are easy.” Easy-peasey, as a character from one of the books I just finished would say.

Speaking of books…can we please talk about people losing their virginity to people who are completely unworthy? I remember, here, how my own experience is much the same. Yet it doesn’t stop me from hating “imperfect”—ahem, cherry popping—in literature. Ha…maybe notsomuch with the literature, but with the ‘reading material.’ It’s starting to really bother me, but what the hell do I know, right? I’m just a silly, dull girl who gets her opinions from who the hell knows where.

As I’m writing this, I’m re-watching Babe. This movie is glorious. I don’t care what anyone thinks. It’s pretty and sweet and starkly realistic in an animalistic nature. It makes me wonder about humanity…about my own wants and needs. I will barf watching super-sappy, romantic films, yet Babe is real to me in a way that a ‘human based’ tale will never be. Because I’ve always felt like animals were a lot like children…pure and honest in their innocence; in their emotions.

Three things really messed with my mind throughout my psychology training, and it all involving evil impacted upon someone who did not deserve it. Children, the Elderly, and animals all fall into my example of why I couldn’t deal. As much as I can sympathize with why some things happen…why people feel certain ways about certain things…I know that I could never get into that mindset.

Somehow, it seems, all of this goes together. I find myself here, safe…and without judgment. But would they judge me if they all knew? Would I care?

I know I’m dithering a bit here…Unfortunately, I don’t think such things can be helped. I tend to be a bit of a ditherer, sometimes. I write myself around in little circles because it’s more comfortable to me than speaking aloud my swirling thoughts. I’m truly enjoying being home, doing a whole lot of nothing. But I certainly hope that all this free time won’t make me too crazy. We all know that too much alone time with my own mind is never a good idea.

Perhaps more, later…

Quote of the Moment: "I'm glad I can make people almost pee themselves. I find that to be a very useful talent. :-)"
Soundtrack of the Moment: Marié Digby's "Beauty in Walking Away"
TV/Movie Quote: Narrator: There are many perfectly nice cats in the world, but every barrel has its bad apples, and it is well to heed the old adage, "Beware the bad cat bearing a grudge."

No comments: