Friday, April 18, 2008

Breaking Up is Hard to Do…and other misadventures

There are a lot of things that people assume about me. My very most favorite misconception is that I’m extremely confident. Just writing that makes me giggle a little. I’m glad I can fake things so well, but that doesn’t exactly cover the issue so much as make it bigger. People thinking I’m confident often leads them to ask me to do things only a confident person would do.

I suppose me doing a lot of them perpetuates the issue, but most of the time—when I do—my heart is racing and my head is swimming. It’s like a see if little chicken-shit me can actually fake it enough to get away with it. My terror thrills me, makes me want to shoot a gun…jump a horse over a four-foot oxer with a three-foot spread…kiss a boy I don’t know while drinking fantastic martinis in some bar. I can hide my fear behind the thrill, even though it’s the fear that got the thrill started in the first place. Sort of a real-life infinite series, right?

Unlike my lack of confidence, I have a lot of things that I don’t like to admit. Or, I should say, I don’t easily admit. My IQ is one of the things…but so is my borderline obsession with all things Star Wars. The most pressing one at the moment, though, is my utter guy-ness when it comes to breaking up with someone. As usual, let this conversation between Lauren and I serve to further clarify my meaning:

Ms.I: Are we having a good day?
Lauren: Sure. Other than the lack of breaking up, how's yours? Could you just do the guy thing, and not ever call him or return his calls? Just, um, ignore him until he goes away?
Ms.I: Dude, that is what I'm trying to do! Ugh, boys.

Unfortunately (as usual) that totally didn’t work out. Or, it did work out, I just had to actually say the words. This isn’t working out…we’ll still be friends…whatever, you get the idea.

The really sad thing is, through a torrid course of events, I was informed of some issues surrounding the guy…some of which I had already assumed…and, in the pursuit of fairness, I offered him the chance to come clean. Pulling teeth would have been easier. I came to this realization…sometime during the conversation, that I have absolutely zero need of a friend I can’t trust. I have less than zero need of a friend that lies openly to me.

So I did perhaps the meanest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I said, “I don’t know you. I’ll never talk to you again.” And then I’ve maintained that promise. It’s sad and cold, but I cannot help but keep the promise I made. And, if I’m ever confused about why I did it, I think about the incohabitability of friendship and lies. (And yes, I’m aware I just made up that word. Catchy, don’t you think?)

And now…well, now that I’m back where I started…single girl in the city, full of dreams and misconceptions, I realize how very much I miss just being me. Complications notwithstanding, I’m pretty damn happy with just me.

Right, now, that being said, I think I’m going to sleep now. Peace, love, and…truth, I suppose. ;)

Quote of the Moment: “The ordinary nonsense of human imperfection will do just fine.”
Soundtrack of the Moment: Janet Jackson’s "Feedback"
TV/Movie Quote: Gossip: "Nice people don't live life. I don't wanna go through all my days being all sweet and polite and then realize, when I'm 80, that I'm just some nice dead person."


Methattron said...

Yes girl it was cold and mean.
But Understood.
I tell you now that i know i could of been more honest and wish i had been. If you do decide to communicate with me again i won't hide anything. You are a wonderful girl and didn't deserve the way i treated you. Forgive me.
Lived and learned

Anonymous said...

There is a loop-hole in that promise ;) You were chatting with my room mate when you said your last words. Not sure if you read my email about that... Have a good weekend.