Monday, January 16, 2006

The Best and Worst of 2005...According to Me


Most Addictive Cockamamie New Show – Prison Break...mmm...Wentworth Miller...

Best Reality TV – Project Runway...what’s better than putting bunch of gay boys and random fashionistas in a room together and forcing them to sew clothing for bitchy models. Nothing, that’s what.

Worst Second Season – Desperate guys, honestly? What the hell happened?

Most Guilty Pleasure – Gilmore Girls...*sigh* and now that they actually coined the word “snarkastic” I will never, ever be free.

Best Blend of Comedy and Drama – Grey’s Anatomy...Let’s face facts, ER’s too serious (and—side note—why is it even ON anymore?) and Scrubs is too zany. This little number, however, knows how to hit us in our happy place while managing to turn on the waterworks. Sandra Oh doesn’t hurt anything, either. Just plan great stuff.

Most Disappointing New Show – The Office, American style. Have the producers of this show even SEEN BBC’s The Office?

Most Shocking Season Finale – Alias...“I’m not Michael Van—” CRASH!! I actually screamed, “Are you F***ing kidding me?” at the TV. My dogs were extremely confused.


Best Comedy – Wedding Crashers

Best Drama – Brokeback Mountain

Best Action – A History of Violence

Best Family Fare – The Chronicles of Narnia

Best Documentary – March of the Penguins

Best Actor – Heath Ledger

Best Supporting Actor - Paul Giamatti

Best Actress - Felicity Huffman

Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz

Best Soundtrack – In Good Company

Best Movie Based on a TV Show – The Dukes of Hazzard

Worst Movie Based on a TV Show - Bewitched

Best Movie Based on a Book – The Constant Gardener...Just haunting...nothing else to say about it...haunting.

Best Movie Based on a Comic Book – Sin City...I can’t say it any better than Steve, so, to quote him loosely, “It’s a moving comic book. Amazing.”

Most Surprisingly Good Movie – The Island...I’m not ashamed to admit it, I cried for the clones. Besides, who doesn’t love Ewan McGregor, even in a bad movie? Also, I think the funniest line this year came from this damn flick: “Just because you want to eat a hamburger, doesn’t mean you want to meet the cow.”

Most Surprisingly Bad Movie – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Freddie Highmore, squirrels, a river ‘o’ had all the right why didn’t it work? Still a mystery to me.

Most Disappointing Conclusion to a Series – Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith...George, as much as it pains me to admit it, all of us would have been much happier if we’d never found out how whiney Vader was before he put on the suit.

Best Use of Christian Bale in a Movie – Batman Begins...Honestly, the only thing bad about this movie (besides co-staring Tom Cruise’s future baby momma) is those of us who have worshiped Bale since Newsies are having to share him with the rest of the world.

Worst Use of Christian Bale in a Movie – The Machinist

Who was on the top of every gossip rag from here to West Hollywood? Well, sit back and relax my friends, as I take you down a little path called Celebrity Memory Lane...

Best Gossip - Page Six &

Most Uncomfortable Statement of the Year – “George Bush doesn't care about black people.” I give this to Kanye West mostly for the look on poor Mike Myers’ face as he said it. Not that he was mistaken. You’re absolutely right, Mr. West. George Bush doesn’t care about black people. What you fail to realize is he also does not care about most people.

Stupidest Statement of the Year – “[Brooke Sheilds] doesn't understand the history of psychiatry.” Damn it Tom, were you always this retarded and just had an amazing staff that kept you on a leash? Forget psychiatry, what the hell do you know about post-partum depression? Honestly dude, how ‘bout you don’t talk about being pregnant AT ALL since it’s something you cannot biologically experience? More than that, don’t make a statement that leaves anyone with a semester of college smacking their foreheads. Psych 101 or no, YOU don’t understand the history of Psychiatry.

Best Fight – Nicole Richie & Paris Hilton...Admit it, you wanted to be a fly on the wall when that little cat fight went down. “We are SO not BFF anymore!”

Best Reconciliation – Oprah & David Letterman

Worst Reconciliation – Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards...All I have to say is once a cheater, always a cheater...that goes for you too, Jude Law & Sienna Miller

Most Hilarious Hissy Fit – Russell Crowe & the phone. Honestly, how childish do you have to be to throw a phone at someone because you can’t call long distance. Grow up hon. Seriously.

Most Overexposed Star – This one had too major options, but in the end, I had to give it to the champs. Lindsay Lohan & Jessica Simpson

Most Overexposed Celebrity – Seriously, is there even a question? Paris Hilton

Sexiest Couple – Brad & Angelina, of course. I’m sorry, but when you’re that beautiful, you’re required to split DNA together. It’s like Darwinism for the superficial.

Best New Couple – Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman

Worst New Couple – All I need to say is couch, and I’m sure you could figure it out. Need another hint? Toothsome Twosome. Still nothing? How ‘bout the line most spoken by the pair, “I’m just so happy.” Vomit. Tom and Katie.

Most Shocking Breakup – Okay, okay, I know this is all in the eyes of the beholder, but when a couple loses a collective 300lbs together, that’s really saying something. All joking aside, I thought these two would make it. At least, I thought they would make it to the wedding. Nicole Richie & Adam Goldstein

Most Disappointing Breakup – Being who I am, co-star love makes me smile (see Brad and Angelina). More than that, young, beautiful people in love makes me even happier. Sure they were young...sure this is Hollywood...but I really had high hopes for these two: Sophia Bush & Chad Michael Murray

Most “Thank God” Breakup – Paris & Paris...If the idea of calling out your own name during sex isn’t weird enough, these two actually talked about the...heh...stellar idea of naming their spawn Paris.

Most “Hott Damn!” Look on the Red Carpet – Angelina Jolie in full leather at the Mr. & Ms. Smith Premiere.

Worst Trend EVER – Pets as Accessories & Dressing like a Homeless Person. Not to piss off PETA, but this is really a toss up for me. Either way, I’d be happy to see one disappear.

Dumbest Choice of Wardrobe – I gotta tell you kids, this one was a tuffy for me. Between Eva Longoria and the effing bathing suit...Jessica Simpson and the shorts...the Spears/ Federlines daily ensembles...ick, ick, ick. Anyways, once again, I ended up with a tie: Prince Harry as a Nazi at a costume party & Michael Jackson in pajama pants at court. I don’t think I even need to add a comment here. Go ahead and insert your own.


Most Devastating Moment – Well, not going to lie, this year had some pretty awful moments. Again, this is opinion here, guys, but for me it was the lack of assistance by the US government after Hurricane Katrina.

Most Inspiring Moment – Alex’s Lemonade Stand, and the way Belmont and Preakness winner Afleet Alex became involved with her charity. Damn this was a year of really bad things. Between the wars, the weather, and powerful people just plain doing retarded things, 2005 had a strangely somber impact on most of the world. Luckily, in times like this, amazing people step forward to remind us there is justice and kindness left. This choice was a really difficult one for me, for all the above reasons plus some personal preferences of my own. In the end, however, this just impacted me the most.

Honorable Mentions – Tsunami Relief (celebs worked their magic to raise 18 million); LIVE 8 Fight against African Poverty (Bono’s love child; 1000 artists on four continents)

And that’s a wrap!

Quote of the Moment: “Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.”
Soundtrack of the Moment: Finger 11’s self titled
TV/Movie Quote: From Brokeback Mountain, “Tell you what, we coulda had a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! Had us a place of our own. But you didn't want it, Ennis! So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain! Everything's built on that! That's all we got, boy, fuckin' all. So I hope you know that, even if you don't never know the rest! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on - and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly never get. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude fucks once or twice a year! You are too much for me Ennis, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you..”


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