Tuesday, March 14, 2006

D3 in DC

Okay, per the lovely Lauren, the tv show we partook was Web Junk 20, on VH1. And the vodka was "a nice mixture of cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg and peppercorns." See…I TOLD you it was yummy.

On we go…

I wake up a few times…finally deciding it's okay for me to get up before Lauren and Steve. Apparently, Lauren has hidden our whole foods' bagels…which is so not fun for me…so I sort of have a retarded moment of…well, trying to figure out how to get to Chipotle and back, while locking the door, before they wake. Yeah, not so much, but I'm starving, so I settle on stealing cereal.

Low and behold, the bagels were not what was hiding…the microwave was…yeah, shut up, it was early. So the three of us lay around…watching this informative show on Horses. LOL…I drive the two of them nuts by correcting the commentator.

What? When they're wrong, they're wrong.

We figure we're not going to stress about our 11:00—11:30?—I can't remember…appointment with the baby panda. Even so, we do sort of have to start getting ready for the day. Since it's decided the hair will be straightened, I get first crack at the shower…play with my makeup while everyone else does their damn thing…hehe…I'm so gansta..LOL.

Right…so while Lauren plays the "make Christine look like an Asian" game, Steve and I debate our current television fare of the possible existance of Big Foot and some Loch Nest Monster in, like, New York or something...and then we more or less head off for food and zoo.

In our process of debating, not, my friends, where to go for lunch, but—haha—who's going to decide where we're going for lunch. Our little trio is rather amazing in our lack of selfish decisiveness. Now…THIS is why I usually make friends with very "take charge" people…I'm way too "go with the flow" myself. Again I feel like Lauren and Steve—Mom and Dad, if you will—might start into a fight. Don't worry, I play the whinning toddler rather well. All this tension—okay, maybe not tension so much as minor inconvenience—gets side tracked by the chartoons walking by us on the street.

Seriously. Felt like I was suddenly in the cheap sequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Hair all colours of the rainbow are matched up with bizarro outfits made of who knows what…and lots of makeup…on everyone. Come to find out…there's an anime convention—Anime convention?? SERIOUSLY??—in town.

Right, because DC is clearly the place where make believe and spandex should rule…Haha…Bush.

We settle on Japanese, which rocks my world. I get a nice little sashimi platter complete with edamame and miso soup. Yum, yum, yum. Dad, Mom, and I discuss DC, the weather, my trip, and if the no drinking before 5 rule applies while you're on vacation. I go to the bathroom—behind three girls with pink, orange, and blue-black hair, respectively. The funny thing…well, I found it funny…the little trash can to the side says: SimpleHuman. Honestly, am I the only one who fines that hilarious? A trash can stamped simple human…the social commentary on that alone could go on forever.

Or not?

I walk back and find my check paid for me. Thank you Mom and Dad. =)

The three of us head out again, this time to be met by intense winds. The Noreaster, as those cleaver weather people seem determined to call it. I, however, have decided to call myself THE NOREASTER. I'm regaling Mom and Dad—dare I keep calling them this?...heh, maybe just for this one blog—the story of me telling Boston that I will forevermore be known as THE NOREASTER. Then Dad makes the most stellar comment EVER. Honestly couldn't have set me up better if it was a written script. Here's how it went down:

Me: Yeah, so I told [Boston] that he has to call me THE NOREASTER from now on.
Lauren: Oh yeah? How'd that go over.
Me: He basically was like, "No, no I don't think I will."
Steve: Why noreaster?
Me: Well, I am from the northeast…and I feel like I make an impact.
Steve: Right, but do you blow really hard?
Me (smirking): Never had any complaints, but I can call some people if you want a reference.

Heheh…more and more on this vein for a little bit…but come on! Too funny.

Finally we get to the zoo…I see the cheetahs…single zebra…some weird wolves…some antelope type thingies…LOL…clearly the best part is Mom's snarkiness…well, Dad and I add things, but Mom is in top form this fine day. Especially when we get to the Pandas. You see, the pandas go in around 4 o'clock. Clearly momma panda is well aware of this fact…to which I assume also means food…and she's pacing by the handler entrance to her cage.

From Lauren (as the momma Panda):
"Honestly I don't know what to do anymore. It's not like these boys do anything. That one just lays around all day and the little one won't listen to anything I say. All I ask is for a little help. And there's constantly people in and out of the pen…it's like, what's a panda to do?"
"Damn kids."
"Escuse me? Hellooo? There are a lot of people out here…and I REALLY need to use the restroom."

Then…the FUNNIEST thing ever happens. The zoo keeper comes out to get the baby…who is lounging in a tree. She temps him with food to no avail…then…okay, you know how a toddler will sometimes hang on to it's mothers leg, even as someone is trying to pull them off? They cling to the leg as if their very life depends on it? Right, well, delete toddler and leg, and insert baby panda and tree. SO FUNNY.

Mom then takes pictures of this child strapped into a kid on a leash. Seriously, not okay…but so funny in the zoo setting.

Also, I have this strange conversation with Boston regarding apple sauce—trust me, you do not want to know. Around this time, two things become rather obvious…one I have the beginnings of a rather terminal sinus headache and two, it is effing cold. Mom has the brilliant idea of going into the zoo's gift shop. Hehe…we dive into the piles of stuffed tigers (FYI: Watch out for the tags people, should you try this.) to warm up.

Later on, Mom and I have full on fights with hand puppets…which turns very load and gets dad yelling at us. Hehe…I deside to get a tea, so that I can take more medicine…and they are less than helpful. Mom and I consider trumping the guy on their customer service policy, but we're scrappy after the hand puppet fighting (Dare I say HPF? Or is the abbreviation for Harry Potter Fan? LOL) and Dad nixes the idea.

To no avail, despite a trip to Starbucks and some mediocre shopping at GAP (Seriously, I would love—LOVE—it if I could please grow out of children's clothes...and socks...and yeah.) and Banana Republic (Honestly, I've got fifty bucks and the best I can do is two rings? Lets get some brainstorming here, people), my headache is still in full form. Mom and Dad are nice enough to take me to Louis Vuitton, so I can see if the dappling effect on the handles of my bag—the EXACT thing MGFM warned me about—can be fixed.

The nice LV man tells me that there really is nothing I can do, that the oxidization is in effect and to treat the leather would make the warranty void. Well FUCK. Now what? I'm pondering what MGFM is going to kill me with, when I notice Mom standing weird...all scrunched in like a turtle hiding in it's shell. Dad distracts me for a moment, expression stuck somewhere between disbelief and awe. "Do you have any idea how much that bag (my bag) costs?" he asks me. I reply in the negative. "Do you want to know?" I shake my head and insist, "I'm happy in my ignorance." He exhales, "Okay," shaking his head, "...Jesus." This conversation takes me back to the weird stance of Mom. "What the hell is the matter with you?" I ask. She grins, "I'm just trying not to oxidize anything."

She's a funny thing, that one.

After this fine event we mall it, I grab some cash, we shop around and talk dinner...which I get to discover we will be eating at the Cheesecake Factory As anyone who's eaten at this fine establishment knows...you don't just walk right in...you get a beeper and you wait. Yeah for more shopping. Mom, Dad, and I wander around World Market...which I enjoy mostly because there's just so many fun, unique, useful things there. Then, me being the little shit disturber I am, I find a small paper back book entitled: 101 Things to do before you die.
Interesting, no? I flip through and start reading some of the topics, nearly squealing through the entire store when I get to...Have a threesome.

At this point I can no longer refer to Lauren and Steve as Mom and Dad...it's just...creepy.

Shall we just say that some awkwardness ensues? Moving back to my own little side note...Boston and I talk about this later, vaguely...and he seems rather...shall we be nice and say interested?...on how this topic came up in the first place. I can't figure out why he's so damn interested, until later Mom's like, "Hello, you, me, and Steve...I'm sure he was drawing conclusions." I flip out, because—hello? Do either Lauren or I look like the type who shares? Yeah, case in point, there, folks.

Finally we get to the restaurant...where...yea!...everyone drinks...me serving myself up a Key Lime Martini....Yum....which, unfortunately is not helping my headache. As dinner progresses...sometimes a bit uncomfortably, I realize that the sensation closely resembles someone cork screwing in from my ear to my eye socket, then sledgehammering the top of my head. Yep, just about as lovely as it sounds. The weird thing is...and I'm sure this will be funny to anyone who knows me...that my own voice talking hurts me more. Therefore I fall silent, even forgoing Cheesecake—I know, the horror, but what can you do?

I buy a two pack of Tylenol from the little connivance store on our way out to the subway...and I take it dry...that's how desperate I was for relief. Lauren pulls out the best goddamn trick in the world...lightly rubbing her fingers in circles along my scalp. I nearly fall asleep with the sensation...and I realize, not for the first time, how freaking amazing this woman is to me...and how dearly I miss her when we're apart. She really is a soul mate for me—ew, not like that, sickos—in a happy, friends for life kind of way...and in this moment—with her comforting me, and Steve looking on with concern—I couldn't feel more loved.

Back at Lauren's I pop three more Tylenols, grab a glass of wine and lay down on Lauren's floor, wondering if I'm going to recoup for going out that night. Slowly we work our way into getting ready. Then something weird happens...which apparently isn't so weird...I just hadn't seen it yet. Lauren totally goes all Jekyll and Hyde on me...Like, I see this ridiculously tall, blond, bombshell trying on cute outfit after cute outfit...and she's...sort of freaking out about how awful she looks. Imagine if you were trying on bathing suits with Jenna Jameson...under florescent lighting...and your about to start your period. That's how I feel next to this girl...

Anyways we finally settle on outfits: Lauren super cute in a black tee with white graphics—the state of Texas proclaiming “Don’t Fuck with Texas,” a short black blazer, my winter white coat, and these amazing rock star white and silver studded heals. I revert to my old standard of my pink skull and crossed gitars “Rock Me” tee with distressed jeans, hot pink heels, fishnets and leg warmers (what? It was cold), and Lauren’s white furry jacket…which has me pretending I’m little Kim all night. Steve…I think…was wearing
this totally cool T, matched up with this cool screen printed jacket, fingerless gloves, darker jeans, the cassette belt buckle that totally almost got me into trouble, and the uniform standard “chucks.” So, needless to say, we’re working it and looking hott—with two ‘T’s even. =)

We hit the first place…to meet up with a mutual friend of the dynamic duo…and it’s crowded enough to be pushing skin…I instantly get handed a few Jell-O shoots by a guy who proclaims, “you look like you need this.” Ha…like a Jell-O shot is going to do it for me…the Long Island Steve brings to the table, however, IS something I need. He is, however, a GC (General Contractor), so I instantly start asking about current projects and pushing our products…LOL…I’m such a scammer. Apparently it’s a pseudo-bachelor party thing…because he’s friend just got the date set for their wedding…well, not THEIR wedding…watch those possessive pronouns, there, Christine. It’s so retarded…or I should say, guys—in packs—are so retarded. I have my Long Island in my hand yet they still keep insisting they buy me a drink. Dumbies. I’m clearly on the menu…and one dumbass decides to throw up “the signal”…you know…the one were your thumb holds down your ring finger…known in some circles as, “two in the pink, and one in the…” Yeah, so I’m less then impressed. And the guy is less then impressed that I call him on it. Flat out chokes on his beer and stutters over an apology. LOL…Thank you Derek and the rest of the Austin crew for keeping me informed on these crazy boy things.

I exit as politely as possible, and sit and chill with Lauren and Steve…we find out that “the friend” is actually at a different bar…so we traps over there…and wait outside…in the cold…not really sure what’s going on…but I’m just along for the ride, so whatever. We finally embark again, joined by several other DC beauties…and end up in another smallish bar…I immediately pick a guy to buy me a shot…LOL…I’m a dork…then fight with Steve over paying for my own shot of vodka. After I push a five in his shirt pocket, he caves…lol…which cracks me up on so many levels…Lauren and I take some pics…I do some more wandering around “letting” guys buy me drinks. Haha…I’m such a brat sometimes.

Finally, we call it a night…and head back to Lauren's. I chill with another glass of wine…and eat some apple slices…there’s this really bizarre moment when…I’m not even sure…Lauren gets makeup on Steve’s shirt, goes to get some stain remover…and something about a closet that destroys spray bottles? It looked a lot like a drunk fight…although not directed toward each other…yeah, it’s okay, I was super confused too.

I shower—because I smell like smoke (ew, being allowed to smoke indoors)—and change…brush the teeth, you know, fun stuff…then come back out to see Lauren and Steve passed out together on the couch. LOL…I’m like, “GO TO BED!” Maybe I’m playing parental unit now? Haha…so off to bed they go, and I turn off all the lights and settle in myself.

Not for the first time…but for the first time this evening…I’m really missing Boston…so much so, that I curl up with a pillow and try not to get really upset. Finally, I fall asleep myself.

More soon.

Quote of the Moment: "Well, before I was…you know…OUT…I went down on a girl…how'd it go? Well…it looked at me funny."
Soundtrack of the Moment: Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody
TV/Movie Quote: From Grey’s Anatomy, "At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away."

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