Wednesday, June 28, 2006

If I were a Tragically Hipster Pirate...

It has come to my—ahem—attention that I have not blogged for awhile. Quite right, you are, my friends.

Having said this, I’m still not really going to blog.

You see, recently I’ve stumbled upon some absolutely hilarious commentary on Pirates. And, since everyone knows how much I love tragically hipster pirate types, off we go!

Times you should not speak like a pirate:

When someone introduces you and gives the person your name, sigh loudly and say: “Captain. Captain (insert name here).”

When you mom asks you to do something, respond with: "I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request."

After a teacher takes all weekend to grade tests/papers/homework: "You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you grade three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet? You're not a eunuch are you?” *look down at crotch and make a face*

Screaming at a ref: "Curse you for breathin' ya slack-jawed idiot!"

During a game of dodgeball: "Stop blowing holes in my ship!"

Teacher and/or parent asks you a yes or no question: "[squawk] Wind in the sails. Wind in the sails." A friend: "Mostly, we figure, that means 'yes.'"

When driving with a parent and he/she reminds you to stop at a stop sign, smile slyly and reply, "Traffic signs are more what you'd call...guidelines than actual rules."

When you’re paying a fine...and you have to sign your name, pull out a few coins from your pocket, place them on the book/page, and say, "What do you say to three schillings, and we forget the name?"

At a wedding when, at the altar, the bride says she can’t go through with it, yell out "Weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around!"

After getting caught shoplifting a gold bracelet, either say: "I just couldn't resist mate." or "The gold called to me!"

If a bouncer tells you have to be 21 to be admitted, say: "I am sorry I didn’t know, if I see one I will inform u immediately."

Walk up to a cafeteria style cashier worker and yell, “The Rum! The rum’s gone! Why is the rum gone?"

Your car brakes down on the side of the road. You’re with a female, you say: "Unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice..."

When you’re called into court at a hearing to explain why you boosted a car: "It was my intention to commandeer on of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer me weasly black guts out."

When trying to bribe someone, say: “Not bribing... Asking with interest is what I like to call it.”

When someone asks how you are feeling/doing today, reply: with: “I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face or the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's/man’s flesh.”

When your at a job interview and you get asked what you can do for the company, say: “I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop.”

When asked who’s responsible for a bad occurrence, say: "That would be the French."

After throwing a water balloon on someone, say: “That was for the smell.”

If someone tells you someone is handicap, say, "Is that why he's/she’s all....*mimic odd swagger*?"

After you admit your roommate’s right, turn to a friend and say: "There'll be no livin' with him/her after this."

If someone points a gun at you, say: "You've only got one shot, and we can't die!"

If someone points a gun at you and your with a friend, say: “Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols.”

Yell out to a cop that is doing something stupid: “Pride of the kings navy, you are.”

When you’ve been pulled over by the police on a highway and you’ve just been asked for your license, pick up the empty bottle in your car and shout: “Why’s the Rum gone?!”

When your boss makes a decision you know she/he doesn’t fully agree with, say: “Even a good decision if made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision!”

After sleeping with a friend’s significant other, say: "I couldn't resist, mate."

Times you should speak like a pirate:

If someone looks ready to kill you for whatever reason, say: "Parlée?"

If someone says you’re lying, but you told them the truth, say: "Unless he/she knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he/she told it to you."

If someone suggests you’re a liar, say: “Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly! It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.”

When a small child says they don't believe in ghost stories, go all melodramatic and say: "You best start believein' in ghost stories miss/mr (name) You're in one!"

After getting caught stealing (anything), say: "Not stolen, borrowed...borrowed without permission, but with every intention of bringing it back to you.”

When you’re hanging out with your gay friend, he leaves and some chick walks up and asks who your friend is, reply with: “No one! He's no one! Distant cousin of my aunt's nephew, twice removed. Lovely singing voice though. *cough* Eunuch.”

If someone does something mean to you, yell: “Bloody pirate!”

When someone is telling a retarded story saying no one was left alive, yell out: "No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?"

When a friend doesn’t answer a question directed at him/her, jump in with: "He's/she’s a mute sir/ma'am. Had his/her tongue cut out."

When someone says something overly scholarly, say: “There are a lot of big words in there; we are not but humble pirates.”

When somebody talks to you about the moments that are going to pass you by, say “I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”

After playing a game of poker with your friends, a particularly drunk one starts to pull out his/her wallet again:
You: Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.
Them: You didn't beat me. You cheated, if we had played it right, I would've beat you.
You: That's not much incentive for me to play fair, then, is it?

After proving someone wrong, add: “Just doing my civic duty, sir.”

After getting caught red handed, say: “Fine! Just a few parting words...*clear throat* I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically. I want you to know that I was rooting for you. Know that. *turn to crush* It would've never have worked between us darling. I'm sorry...*insert friend's name*...nice hat. Friends...this is the day that you will ALWAYS remember as the day that you almost caught captain...*run out the room*”

After getting a physical blow, turn to a friendly bystander and say: "Not sure I deserved that."

When lost in a foreign country, say: “You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters!”

(Oh dear Lord, this one was written for me) After someone comments on your messy house/room/car, say: “Aye, and a fine mess it is.”

After a drunk dude asks if he knows you from somewhere, say: “You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?”

When some gross person is hitting on you and asks what your shirt/skirt/shoes are made of, say, “Human hair...from my back.”

If a host asks you how you expect to get in with out a reservation, just slide him/her a twenty and explain: “Let's just say it's a matter of leverage.”

If you get into a super trendy event and someone asks you how the hell you got in, reply with: “When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing mate; I'm Captain (insert name)!”

After you handing a despised coworker a black pen, mumble: “Goes with your black heart!”

When you get stopped by the cops at a drunken, underage party and he/she asks your name, respond with: “Mr/Ms Smith.”

Times it’s purely a judgment call whether or not to talk like a Pirate:

After someone you dislike dies or suffers from a disease, say: "So, there is a curse? That's interesting."

When someone has just died, say: “Dead man tell no tales!”
When you drop your child/friend off somewhere: "Do us a favor... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid."

After escaping a bully: "Gentleman you will always remember this as the day you almost caught, Captain(insert pirate name here)".

When there happens to be an empty rum bottle in the room and you are staggering around more violently than Jack himself say: “But, why is the rum gone?”

Tackle a friend and yell: "Cannon fire!"

While waiting in line at a VIP club say: “Keep to the code! Any man who falls behind is left behind!”

If your out for a smoking break (or out with your friend who’s on a smoking break) and spy some cute young things who couldn’t get into the VIP party, say: “Apparently there’s some sort of high toned and fancy to do this weekend, eh? How could it be that two upstanding ladies/gentlemen such as yourselves did not merit an invitation?"

When someone you’re sure you don’t know calls you by name, say: "I make a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates."

After a coworker has been sitting in your chair, sit down and say, “Ooh, it's still warm."

When given a promotion, ask, “Is there a ceremony?”

If two of your friends/coworkers is in an argument, and one turns to you and asks which side you’re on, reply with: “At the moment?”

When someone is bragging about an über cool vacation, interrupt with: “Then, on the fourth day, he/she roped himself/herself a couple of sea turtles, lashed 'em together and made a raft.”

Quote of the moment: “I love marriage! It's like a wager on who will fall out of love first.
Soundtrack of the day: Better than Ezra’s, “Desperately Wanting”
Movie/TV quotes of the day: From Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, “I was nothing more than an almost innocent bystander.”

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