Wednesday, January 03, 2007

2006 Recap...Running Commentary Style


New Show I Watch Purely for the Hott Cast – Friday Night Lights…mmm, Tyler Kitch.

Best Reality TV – I’ll take any of the New MTV serieses including but not limited to The Hills, Cheyenne, and Two a Days. I realize that some of you believe I have lost my mind. This is mostly true. However, I like these shows so much because they remind me of how much more retarded I was many moons ago. So you can take your hateraid and go rain on someone else’s parade.

Most Summarizing Title Since Snakes on a Plane – Pants-off Dance-off.

Most Reliably Fantastic Established Show – I give this crown to the two medical dramadies in my world, House, M.D., and Grey’s Anatomy. Now, because the brilliant writers of House used one of my favorite genetic disorders, xeroderma pigmentosa, they should get this one hands down. However, bringing a rarely shirted McSteamy back as a permanent player at Seattle Grace was a move of such substantial genius that I simply cannot leave GA out of the running. Also I HATE-HATE-HATE (loath entirely) House’s whole Trigger storyline. And yes, I realize McSteamy is the bad guy, but I’ve never once claimed to be anything but superficial.

Most Reliably Disappointing Established Show – It pains me to say this, it really does, but sometimes the truth is a painful thing. Gilmore Girls! WTF were you thinking firing your seven-season faithful writers in favor of the pile of crap that’s writing for you now? The goddamn NY Times did a freaking article about how bad the writing is. Gilmore Girls was about being the type of woman who reads the NY Times as well as Cosmo (not to mention Slate and Perez Hilton)…about understanding the necessary, sometimes wonderful, and sometimes unbearable weight of family…about spitting out 80 pages of dialog in the same space of time that most shows manage 40. Speed, wit, humor, heart, and snarkasim. THAT’s what GG was about. Now it’s fading away into the realm of shows I use to really look forward to watching. Even super pretty Logan cannot save them now.

Most Guilty Pleasure – Oddly enough, Jeopardy’s been really great for me this year. A lot of it has to do with the mountain of random factoids that like to hang out with the character voices and alphabetized lists in my brain. Seriously, when else am I going to have to know some of this crap? On the other side of it, Jeopardy was nice background noise while I was frantically trying to finish a final rough copy of Atsou for editing. Jeopardy won’t get an acknowledgement in my text, but here’s something, right?

Most Disappointing New Show – Ugly Betty. I wish I had words for this catastrophe. I do not. That is all, let’s move along.

Best Season Finale – Gray’s Anatomy. Sex, Love, Anger, and Death. What more does one need? No, seriously.


Best Comedy – Stranger Than Fiction

Best Drama – Little Children

Best Action – Blood Diamond

Best Family Fare – Happy Feet

Best Documentary – Shut Up and Sing!

Best Actor – Leonardo DiCaprio, although I’m split over whether I like him more for Blood Diamond or the Departed. Seriously split. So much so that I’m worried he’s going to miss out on the Oscars for being fantastic in two different movies in one year.

Best Supporting Actor – Brad Pitt

Best Actress – Helen Mirren

Best Supporting Actress – Cate Blanchett

Best Soundtrack – The Departed

Worst Movie Based on a Book – The Da Vinci Code. If you’re going to make a movie based on a book about Jesus getting his rocks off with Mary Magdalene, then maybe you should be ballsy enough to actually do it all way. Lukewarm at best.

Best Movie Based on a Book – The Prestige. THIS is how you alter the story while giving a nod to the source material people. Course the supreme cast hurts nothing.

Most Surprisingly Good Movie – Step Up. Hey, I’m a dancer and I dig hot, shirtless men. Deal with it. Stick it! was a very close second.

Most Surprisingly Bad Movie – Hollywoodland. There were rumors…awards. WTF? Did I see a different movie then the rest of these folks?

Best Addition to a Series – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. I’m not ashamed to admit it; I’m a selfless fan girl of tragically hipster pirates. I loved the wheel sword fight, loved the nods to Curse of the Black Pearl, and kinda almost changed my mind about the doability of Depp. Kinda. Almost.

Follow me, kiddies, we’re taking that walk again…

Best Gossip -

Best Fashion Snark – GoFugYourself.comBest Fight – Nicole Richie and her former Stylist Rachel Zoe. Who knows what will come of this, but you know what they say about where there’s smoke. Lohan, Richie, and Kate Bosworth all dropped weight under her tutelage.

Best Reconciliation – Lindsay Lohan vs. Britney Spears & Paris Hilton and…one day later. I would have totally shaved my head to catch that one in person. Seriously, is there one single aspect of those three going at it that ISN’T shamelessly enthralling? Then the very next day, they’re all giggly together? Even my craziest HS moments didn’t downshift that fast.

Most Overexposed Star – Britney, Lohan, girls, let’s make a New Year’s resolution to cover our bits, okie?

Sexiest Couple – Brad & Angelina, again. Last year I said this: “I’m sorry, but when you’re that beautiful, you’re required to split DNA together. It’s like Darwinism for the superficial.” This year Shiloh Nouvel showed up. I don’t want to say I told you so, but…

Best New Couple – Yeeeeah. I got nothing. Can we please mix up the options and go fish?

Worst New Couple – Britney & Paris

Most Shocking Breakup – Last year it was shocking because of their staying potential. This year it’s from the freaking crazy-ass fallout. Who’s the unlucky couple? She’s got one leg, he’s one-forth of arguably the most famous British invasion band ever. Heather Mills and Paul McCartney.

Most Disappointing Breakup – No questions here, Reece and Ryan. Just…yeah…still can’t talk about it.

Most “Thank God” Breakup – Is this seriously a question? Britney & K-Fed. Now, Brit, please put some underwear on—or at least some pants, pack up with the kids and spend some time in Louisiana with Grandpa & Grandma, and get your ass back on a treadmill and into a studio. Kevin: immediately stop rapping. Don’t go on WWF (or whatever the fuck it’s called now) anymore, no matter how much money they offer. Spend some time with your kids (all four of them). And, if you have time, get your pants tailored and take a shower. Please and thank you.

Most “Hott Damn!” Look on the Red Carpet – Ziyi Zhang in her neon greenie-yellow Giorgio Armani gown at the Golden Globes.

Worst Trend EVER – Using Foreign Orphans as Accessorizes & Flashing Shaved Crotches. Let me be clear: I have no problem with impoverished children being welcomed into the homes of some of America’s richest. But when adoption is done without research—or at least a clear understanding of the country’s adoption laws—a potentially selfless act is tarnished and turned into something shameful. Now, in the case of Flashing. I am a fan of both hairlessness and zero underwear lines. Having said this, let me impart a little piece of wisdom that was bestowed upon me by my mother (via a Nun, of all things): “Whether seated, reclined, standing over a subway vent, or exiting and entering a car; your knees should stay close enough to hold an aspirin in place between them.”

Best Trend EVER – Banning size 00 models from the Milan & Madrid runways. It’s really about BMI than size, but you get the picture. The awful thing is, two very young models had to die before anyone thought to get upset.

Dumbest Choice of Wardrobe – Again I find myself at a loss. Fortunately, this year had nothing to do with highly inappropriate Nazi costumes or pajamas in court. It did, however bring about Terri Hatcher wearing what appears to be shear blue curtains at the Grammy’s and Sarah Jessica Parker in the Jekyll and Hyde outfit I like to call The Highlander and the Ballerina Princess. Sounds like one of those $5 historical romances, doesn’t it?

Best New Body Part – Ashlee Simpson’s new nose. Nose jobs, when done well, often make a person look more attractive. To quote a celebrity blogger: “In Ashlee Simpson’s case it made her more attractive, tolerable, talented and likeable. If she had this nose back during the SNL debacle we would’ve written it off as “cute” rather than “career ending.” Her new nose has made her a better person, and I mean that in the least shallow way possible.”


Stupidest Statement of the Year – The Pope quoting a 14th-century Christian emperor who said the Prophet Mohammed had brought the world only 'evil and inhumane' things. Muslims as a whole, understandably, vocalize their outrage. Four days later the Vatican releases an apology, that isn’t really an apology at all.

Best Example of Why Politics and Friendship Shouldn’t Mix – Dick Cheney shooting Harry Whittington. What, did he really mistake him for a Turkey? Must have been the inaugural opening of lawyer hunting season. Way to mark the occasion, there Dick.

Most Disturbing News to Inspire Almost No Political Action – It takes polar bears drowning in the Arctic for scientists to warn that global warming may be worse even than their previous worst-case scenario.

Weirdest News to Cause Emotional Outcry – Pluto’s demotion.

And that’s a wrap!

Quote of the Moment: “Party like a Lobster.”
Soundtrack of the Moment: Within Temptation’s “Stand My Ground”
TV/Movie Quote: From Stranger Than Fiction, “I bought you some flours.”

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